Here we go. Rob, me, the ExCeL centre, the Grand Designs theme tune on repeat, and Kevin McCloud*. Deep breath everyone, this blog features chairs again.
This thing is big. Really, really, big. And full of people ramming pushchairs into the back of your legs. And, it turns out, contrary to what you might imagine, about 80% full of examples of really, really bad taste interior design. Who'd have thought?!
Much like last week in the Scandinavian rabbit warren, we started with enthusiasm in the kitchen section. Important news - I've made a decision! Yes, an actual decision! I want one of these:
Not the induction hob on the right, but the stove-top grill plate on the left. Stylish, yes?
Now, that's not a huge decision, I'll grant you. But it's something. Although we probably can't afford it, or at least not this one. And it was being peddled by an extremely busty, highly made up, TOWIE-tanned sixteen year old girl. This turned out to be a theme of the day.
Anyway, the other pretty brilliant thing about this kitchen, which Rob actually commented on rather than me (honestly!) was this:
Yes please. Who doesn't need a champagne fridge?!
And along with your champagne fridge, you clearly need a tap-in-the-shape-of-a-swan's-neck:
But back to reality.
I've fallen in love.
Actual, total, head-over-heels real love.
Ooops, not that. But I do love that too.
This:
Isn't it beautiful?! It's a Smeg double oven, and I love it. And it was being sold by a man called Joe Cook. Which only made me love it more.
So for the next few hours Rob and I discussed how it would be perfectly rational to buy an oven that costs more than the entire kitchen, because we'd have it forever, it's the main focus of the kitchen, it looks lovely, you use it all the time, it gives the kitchen a focus (and a starting point for kitchen design, which heaven knows we need right now), it looks lovely, and I love it. And it looks lovely. Right?
Also in the Smeg range was this:
Who doesn't want a denim fridge?
And also in the fridge department was this:
Which I think is what Captain Kirk would probably have had on the Starship Enterprise. It's so shiny I'm a bit scared of breathing near it. Oh, and it cost about the same amount we paid for the entire slum.
So on now to interiors. We wonder whether we could fit this in the slum - we'd probably have to have it suspended down the entire length of the three stories:
And isn't this nice:
And of course, if you have a nice table you need some nice chairs...
Or how about these:
Or these:
Or these:
(just joking)
Or these:
CHAIRS CHAIRS CHAIRS CHAIRS CHAIRS CHAIRS CHAIRS CHAIRS aaaaaaaaaaah
I was in charge today so it's not tea-time, it's clearly champagne-o'clock.
Phew.
Now having softened me up with a glass of Moet, Rob suggested that rather than having a spare room for all you people to stay, he might install a games room instead.
And he has also decided that he wants a billiards table. He doesn't know how to play billiards. But despite this, spent the next five minutes arguing that the billiards tables being sold by Sir William Bentley Billiards Tables Ltd. weren't billiards tables. I suggested that Sir William Bentley might know better than he did, which didn't go down well.
Don't bother telling me if these aren't in fact billiards tables after all. I don't want to encourage him.
The games rooms area seemed to start a slew of furniture aimed at the pouting girls who were selling the kitchens. Here's a good example:
And here's another. This time aimed at the aging hippy demographic, who hopefully have oodles of cash tucked away in their patchwork trousers in order to spend it on sofas like this:
Now at this point, I realised I'd lost Rob. I found him again, about to get his credit card out to buy this:
Yes people, that is a two foot, porcelain, dancing dinosaur. And Rob loves it. It is white, I'll give him that. But it's also £172. He got to the stage of negotiating with the lady selling it about changing the granite base from black to plain white. No. Joke.
Clearly delirium had set in again, so before he gave away more than my email address (she's already emailed me with photos and delivery arrangements) I dragged him away to look at bathrooms.
Continuing the Captain Kirk theme, check out this shower. Actually, I don't even think I can call it a shower, it's a washing-steaming-cleansing-rinsing-showering station.
And listen up - showering standing up is, like, soooo 2011:
So there we go. At least we've found an oven we like. Which is totally worth every penny because it's so lovely. LOVELY.
Oh, and no home improvement exhibition show would be complete without a really random goody bag at the end:
What doesn't say 'I aspire to create the home of my dreams' like toothpaste and granulated sugar?
* We didn't. This is the closest I got. *sob*
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